To Humbly Serve--interview with Beau Rowland
Beau, a great friend, mentor, alumni of Deep Spring College, American, 1/4 Chinese.
Mark Twain said that the two most important days of your life are the day
you were born and the day you find out why. Unfortunately, those two days
don’t usually come close to one another. I have struggled with the
Why. Sometimes
I actively struggle, sometimes I passively give in to not searching for a
Why, sometimes I think I can substitute something in for the big why – like
an engaging career or a fulfilling romantic relationship. To be honest,
for much of my young adult life I was probably first and foremost a
romantic – I thought I could find deep and lasting fulfillment in loving
another. Some of my best stories are about young loves. In my loneliest
moments (and when other things in my life weren’t going so well) I’ve clung
to this romantic dream as a kind of completion.
Not so anymore, or I try not to anymore.
I would love to be a father, and a husband. And, before that, a great
boyfriend. But I also now realize that those roles are secondary to
something else. I no longer expect that one day I will meet someone that I
want to spend the rest of my life with. I no longer expect that having a
family will happen. Though I have had several girlfriends, I’m not even
sure whether romantic relationships are in my future. Maybe it is best to
be a monk! ;) What I’ve learned is that "Desire corrupts Intention". Whenever
I have let my desires and attachments rule my actions, the results may be
pleasurable, but they are not deeply nor durably fulfilling. But whenever
I act out of good intention without involving my personal, egotistical
desires, then my actions fulfill me.
Put simply, I intend to serve and love truth. That truth needs seeking
for, learning from, and surrendering to. But I don’t believe in believing.
I don’t believe in God. I want to Know God, because I think that knowledge
will allow me to serve myself and humanity to the best of my ability. Through
reading, talking with wise and spiritual people, and personal experience, I
know that I have much more work to do, spiritual and otherwise. That I can
intellectually accept something beyond this physical universe does not mean
that I know or have experienced that something. So I need to go deeper,
beyond what philosophy can teach and what the body alone can sense. This,
according to the greatest religious traditions, requires the internal work
of elevating consciousness: meditation.
So, in short: seeking truth and serving others. The first is very
internal, the second very external. That’s about it for me. Nothing makes
more sense to me. The greatest individuals I have met also affirm these
endeavors. All this could totally change for me, maybe even as soon as
tomorrow. But for now, that’s what I’m all about.
I will say that, before “finding” the above mission, my life has been Good
but not great. Life is filled with fleeting happinesses that people all
too often invest all their hopes in: doing well in school, getting into a
great college, finding a dream job, identifying one’s passion, finding a
fulfilling relationship, marriage, kids, health, having a house, being
wealthy, being educated and cultured and perceived as successful, having
ample leisure time and room to create, traveling to new and amazing places,
exposing yourself to beautiful things, being ethical, becoming a master at
something, independent thinking, freedom, having profound friendships. The
truth is that I never felt deeply committed to any of these things – even
though I have had opportunities to “do” or “become” or “have” most of them.
Don’t get me wrong: I will continue to value many of these things in my
life. But None of them, alone or taken together, provides a solid
foundation for spiritual fulfillment. So this is where my general
dispassion for the world has been felt.
Either in those happinesses which
I have already experienced or in those happinesses that I can envision
(like marriage), I know that there needs to be a deeper foundation for a
life well-lived. And because I have realized that all of these things are
Not Essential to my happiness, that I do not need them, I can enjoy them
so_much_more. And this is why every one of my days has been Great lately,
not just Good. I live in the present. When I am with you, I am with you. You
have my utter and full attention (to the best of my growing ability). I am
at peace with my past. I experience little or no anxiety about my future. I
calmly anticipate much hard and good work to come. I intend to humbly
serve.
you were born and the day you find out why. Unfortunately, those two days
don’t usually come close to one another. I have struggled with the
Why. Sometimes
I actively struggle, sometimes I passively give in to not searching for a
Why, sometimes I think I can substitute something in for the big why – like
an engaging career or a fulfilling romantic relationship. To be honest,
for much of my young adult life I was probably first and foremost a
romantic – I thought I could find deep and lasting fulfillment in loving
another. Some of my best stories are about young loves. In my loneliest
moments (and when other things in my life weren’t going so well) I’ve clung
to this romantic dream as a kind of completion.
Not so anymore, or I try not to anymore.
I would love to be a father, and a husband. And, before that, a great
boyfriend. But I also now realize that those roles are secondary to
something else. I no longer expect that one day I will meet someone that I
want to spend the rest of my life with. I no longer expect that having a
family will happen. Though I have had several girlfriends, I’m not even
sure whether romantic relationships are in my future. Maybe it is best to
be a monk! ;) What I’ve learned is that "Desire corrupts Intention". Whenever
I have let my desires and attachments rule my actions, the results may be
pleasurable, but they are not deeply nor durably fulfilling. But whenever
I act out of good intention without involving my personal, egotistical
desires, then my actions fulfill me.
Put simply, I intend to serve and love truth. That truth needs seeking
for, learning from, and surrendering to. But I don’t believe in believing.
I don’t believe in God. I want to Know God, because I think that knowledge
will allow me to serve myself and humanity to the best of my ability. Through
reading, talking with wise and spiritual people, and personal experience, I
know that I have much more work to do, spiritual and otherwise. That I can
intellectually accept something beyond this physical universe does not mean
that I know or have experienced that something. So I need to go deeper,
beyond what philosophy can teach and what the body alone can sense. This,
according to the greatest religious traditions, requires the internal work
of elevating consciousness: meditation.
So, in short: seeking truth and serving others. The first is very
internal, the second very external. That’s about it for me. Nothing makes
more sense to me. The greatest individuals I have met also affirm these
endeavors. All this could totally change for me, maybe even as soon as
tomorrow. But for now, that’s what I’m all about.
I will say that, before “finding” the above mission, my life has been Good
but not great. Life is filled with fleeting happinesses that people all
too often invest all their hopes in: doing well in school, getting into a
great college, finding a dream job, identifying one’s passion, finding a
fulfilling relationship, marriage, kids, health, having a house, being
wealthy, being educated and cultured and perceived as successful, having
ample leisure time and room to create, traveling to new and amazing places,
exposing yourself to beautiful things, being ethical, becoming a master at
something, independent thinking, freedom, having profound friendships. The
truth is that I never felt deeply committed to any of these things – even
though I have had opportunities to “do” or “become” or “have” most of them.
Don’t get me wrong: I will continue to value many of these things in my
life. But None of them, alone or taken together, provides a solid
foundation for spiritual fulfillment. So this is where my general
dispassion for the world has been felt.
Either in those happinesses which
I have already experienced or in those happinesses that I can envision
(like marriage), I know that there needs to be a deeper foundation for a
life well-lived. And because I have realized that all of these things are
Not Essential to my happiness, that I do not need them, I can enjoy them
so_much_more. And this is why every one of my days has been Great lately,
not just Good. I live in the present. When I am with you, I am with you. You
have my utter and full attention (to the best of my growing ability). I am
at peace with my past. I experience little or no anxiety about my future. I
calmly anticipate much hard and good work to come. I intend to humbly
serve.